Caves

What is a cave?

Caves are about caving.

Caving is about caving in.

And caving in is about finding a way out.

This is how I met your mother.

It was in an Uber pool last summer (UberPool: For People Who Aren’t Billionaires! Uber Pool: For Wealthy Old Men Who have Drivers But Are Lonely! Uber Pool: Voted 2018’s Worst Place to Meet a Bitcoin Daddy!)

I’m no bitcoin daddy. Uber Pool is where all great love stories begin.

I saw her in the Toyota Camry. She saw me standing in the pouring rain looking like I was winning Gap’s annual 2 AM wet $28 t-shirt contest. She lowered the window and said, “Ugh, I ordered a pool? …. That was an accident. Could you just, like….leave?

She was beautiful so I bowed like a Japanese businessman receiving a business card and backed out of the car’s path.

Later that night I obviously went to a club to go “dancing” and a girl much like your mother burned me with her cigarette and

I found myself to be the one saying “sorry.”

I judged her for not smoking a JUUL like a normal person but I still apologized. That’s caving in.

Cave in

vb (intr, adverb)

informal to yield completely, esp under pressure

I caved in and let your mother kick me out of the Uber Pool because her body was mountainous (like a hill) and hollow (like a cave) in all the right places.

Synonyms: to act like a little bitch.

Caving in is how I let your mother go.

Caving in is how I let the girl at the club destroy me with fire.

Caving in is what I do.

Caving in is why neither of those women are actually your mother.

And this narrative is caving in to the white male authorial voice. Joke’s on you, I’m a cis Latina woman pretending to be a nostalgic, self-hating straight Beta male with no personality. You fell for it. You caved. Pathetic.

4 definitions and examples of cave and cave in:

kāv/

verb

  1. explore caves as a sport.

I went caving at Burning Man 2017 when I slept under a dark, smelly, damp man I assumed was a high net worth tech mogul blowing off some steam. He turned out to just be a bartender named “Brian from New Jersey” trying to find himself through ayahuasca.

       2. capitulate or submit under pressure; cave in.                

When people with more Bitcoins tell me what to do, I cave.

phrasal verb

      3. If something such as a roof or a ceiling caves in, it collapses inward.

When we smashed the glass ceiling after the Women’s March, we never expected to be         caved in (oops).

     4. If you cave in, you suddenly stop arguing or resisting.

I caved in when I finally started attending my company’s mandatory microdosing and

chakra realignment sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays in Conference Room B instead of hiding under my desk with my JUUL.

Diets I’ve caved in to and tried from 2015-2018:

  1. Raw Vegan

I tried raw veganism to cure my eczema. I bought 12 watermelons and 37 cucumbers on Instacart on Day 1. In three months,  lost a lot of weight and friends and my eczema did not improve. I let my 829 Instagram followers know that I had gone raw vegan every single day by posting pictures of smoothies and home-made acai bowls.  I made sure to maintain 3-6 toxic relationships with different men that year to make up for the lack of toxins in my food.

      2. Keto

I ate a lot of gluten two winters ago, and when summer was approaching, I tried a high-fat, low-carb keto diet to quickly lower my BMI so I could wear a bikini in the south of France. I wasn’t allowed to drink liquor or beer. I lost a lot of fat and gained a Listerine addiction.

     3. Ramadan

I actually have no regrets on Ramadan. Ramadan is one of the best diets I’ve ever tried. I looked super skinny last July. Thanks, Ramadan.

Two poems highlighting the differences and similarities between caving to yourself and caving to others:

Caving to Me

  Caving to Mark

Caving to Mark

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The many uses of caves:

  1. Caves for tax evasion

Tax evasion is an activity commonly associated with the informal economy, so you can kick back in a t-shirt and shorts while keeping your hard earned Bitcoins. It’s fun to underreport income from under a cave. Sure, the Wi-Fi is terrible, but there’s lots of fun things to do when you’re not paying taxes, such as drawing wooly mammoths on the walls and later smashing your cave in with your Lamborghini.

  1. Caves as shell companies

I set up 12 companies in The Cayman Islands in 2017. I know a lot of people who did the same.     Now that turtles are extinct, we are forced to use caves. Caves are dark, good at hiding stuff, and have excellent tax brackets.

  1. Caves for money laundering

What better way to conceal the origins of illegally obtained money than from a large     underground chamber or a hollow place in the ground? The idea is to making your     proceeds appear to have derived from a legitimate source (think mountains, not caves). Before moving into your cave, make sure to fill your Amazon cart with Clorox, baking soda, and dishwashing gloves. You’re gonna need it.

Thank you for your time. This post is schizophrenic (inconsistent) but a friend asked me to write it and I caved.

*This post is not sponsored by Burning Man or Uber Pool or JUUL or Amazon or Instacart or even caves, and I still promoted them repeatedly for free. That’s also caving. (It is, however, sponsored by Bitcoins.)